This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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