OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need to align my fucking chakras
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
