I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
