I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
