I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
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We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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