shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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