You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
