So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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