You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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