Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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