she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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