my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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