I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
