Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
