Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
