I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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