i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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