i would punch a child for taco bell
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize