I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come share oat with me in your robe
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
