he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
