I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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