I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I had to cum in my sink.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Come on in and take your pants off
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