goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
