I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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