I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
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Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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