I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
