What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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