Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
