it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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