That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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