Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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