Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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