my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
