my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
try to milk me bitch
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