She said her name was "party"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
