I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Terrible idea I love it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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