i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
