Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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