Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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