I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
