WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
