i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
