So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Even my vagina gasped.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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