those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
