if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
