i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
