she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize