ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
youre lurking in front of me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
