fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We need to get me chipped asap
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
