I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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