you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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