Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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