My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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