Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
