I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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