Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
