RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
