I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
