Who wears a wallet chain?!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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