if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
3pm strippers are depressing
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
