wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
